


I had tears I couldn't cry

by MyFandomCausesHanaji



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Character Development, Developing Relationship, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Self-Reflection, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 11:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFandomCausesHanaji/pseuds/MyFandomCausesHanaji
Summary: In the beginning, the warmth of a hand on his is the first thing he remembers.





	I had tears I couldn't cry

**Author's Note:**

> Proofread: Himeneka

 

_Where I was, I had wings that couldn't fly_

 

In the beginning, the warmth of a hand on his is the first thing he remembers. In the cold and loneliness of his existence, it pulls him, makes him lift his head, blink away the darkness and accept his presence as well as acknowledge the presence of the other. In a blurry world he can only see this hand in his and a pair of sad dark eyes, looking at him with a tenderness and compassion that feels alien and unfamiliar, and when the boy pulls him into a sudden hug, enveloping his trembling body in his thin arms, he just lets him, entirely giving in.

And when the boy pulls back, he sees tears in the brown eyes, and he is struggling to understand why the boy is crying, for him of all people, just someone he met only a moment ago. But there is something about him, that pulls him towards the boy, this inexplicable warmth, something that he knows he lacks, and he thinks that perhaps if he sticks together with him, he might eventually understand what this is that made him cry that day.

His life starts with this, with the tears running from the brown eyes, like he is worth crying for, with the warmth spreading from the body of the stranger who is embracing him like he is worth this warmth, that is starting to slowly replace the cold that settled in his bones what feels like millenia ago. He knows he must have lived before this day, but he has no memory of it, and there is only a nagging feeling that he forgets something important, that he must know why he ended up on this cliff in just a long shirt barely hiding his body from the rain and cold. But he can’t even remember his own name and he is not sure if he ever had one, and so he takes his place by this boy’s side, because he is not sure if he has a place anywhere else.

They tell him his name ― Ryo ― or maybe they just give him it, as some dark irony for his lost [memories](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ry%C5%8D_\(given_name\)) , and he willingly accepts, because he doesn’t even care how they call him. He learns the boy’s name ― Akira ― and he thinks how [accurate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akira_\(given_name\))  it is, though he doesn’t know many people to compare, and Akira’s compassion to others is so utterly alien to him, but he still thinks there should probably be something almost inhumanly pure in this boy that allows him to feel all that. 

Ryo doesn’t know what “that” is, but he sees it in Akira’s tears when he cries over a cat, sacrificing his umbrella to keep rain from soaking the box with the small dead body in it, while the flows of cold water are plastering his wild black hair to his head, and the t-shirt on his back is completely drenched, when Ryo gets there and moves his own umbrella above the crying boy. 

“Why are you crying? You knew it would die.” He feels irritated, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what it is that drives his friend to care about someone, be it even a stray cat, so much that it brings tears to his eyes, and himself to his knees on the wet dirty ground, when the rain is so cold and heavy, and Akira’s umbrella is wasted standing there above the box. 

“You are crying too, Ryo-chan!”

He is not crying, he is not even sad, but he wonders if it would feel the same as how the drops of rain are running now freely down his cheeks, when he had to use his own umbrella to hide his friend from the elements. He doubts that, because the rain is cold, the chilling water soaking his shirt, making him shiver involuntarily. Cold feels like something he is used to , it doesn’t even bring him discomfort, it is something almost morbidly mundane. The rain is silent, there is nothing he is not able to understand hiding beneath the simple meteorological phenomenon, and there is nothing special about the wetness of it on his cheeks. The rain is boring and empty, it just is. 

But Akira is everything but this. He is warm, as all he does, and his tears are not just drops of salty water running from his eyes ― there is something inside him, something that Ryo can’t feel, that makes him so different. That makes him  _ special _ . 

Akira  _ cares _ . He cares for every living being, and he even cares for Ryo, who would draw out his paper knife in an attempt to get rid of some annoying creature on his way more than once, and Akira would stop him every time, by his warm hand around Ryo’s bony wrist, and a plea in his brown eyes. And Ryo would just silently obey; despite the annoyance, he would just lower his hand, and watch Akira smile widely, happily.

They are almost inseparable, as much as they are complete opposite. There are no shades in it, there is simply nothing in Ryo that makes Akira who he is, and the less he understands the other boy, the stronger the pull Ryo feels towards him. He doesn’t like thinking of himself as not whole enough that he needs someone to fill the absent parts of him, and so he explains it to himself as a mere curiosity.

Other kids don’t like him. They are scared of him, and of his knife, that he manages to find every time it is taken from him by adults. They are wrong to be scared ― as long as they are not serving as inconveniences and not aiming to harm him, he will not hurt them. What would he achieve by this? Their view of him as someone violent offends his sense of logic. 

But Ryo doesn’t like them either. He doesn’t like any of them, except for Akira, but they happen to be his kind, and so he has to learn to live among them, be it even just by staying by Akira’s side, because the other boy seems to understand them better.

He doesn’t spend too long in a foster home before Jenny takes him in. She is different from the others and doesn’t ask Ryo if he remembers anything from before Akira found him. She almost never speaks, and her constant presence is surprisingly not annoying. She seems to silently share his lack of comprehension of the rest of the people around them, and it will be years before Ryo will notice her disapproval of his attachment to Akira.

But for now he is comfortable with her, and he is never bored with Akira, and he doesn’t need anyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> I had very ambitious plans for this fic, but I kind of lost some passion about it. I have this short piece written about a month ago, and I'm posting it, cause I don't want it to go to waste. Maybe some day, when I'm done with my current projects and have time, I'll go back to it and finish it, but no guarantees.
> 
> Please, drop me a line in the comments to let me know what you think, it will make my day! ^_^
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